A very polite girl met an Ogre in the woods

A very polite girl met an Ogre in the woods. She was gathering mushrooms and herbs for her children’s dinner. He was eating a roast on a stick. It was cold, the forest was covered in ice and the girl was trembling.

“Good evening Mr. Ogre.”

“Evn’ing.”

“Your meat smells delicious.”

“Want a slice? Might warm you up.”

The girl looked doubtfully at the fat drooling down from the stick and answered: “I thank you for your kind offer, but we are vegetarians. No meat for us but I fully respect your choice of -“

“Why then you said it looked delicious?” interrupted the Ogre.

“Just making conversation”, replied the girl condescendingly.

“You lied?” said the Ogre surprised.

“Just making conversation”, she repeated, slowing down her speech as if she were talking to a child.

“You look awfully cold there. Come by the fire. You can snuggle inside my coat and warm up.”

“Ogre!”, exclaimed the girl, “This is not a proper thing to propose to a married young girl, or to any young girl.”

“My body is warm and you are cold. What is there to shout about?”

The girl sighed with exasperation: “What would your wife say if she knew you held a girl in your arms?”

“We are not doing too well with my wife after the Shenabadumsdumla situation.”

“Which situation was that? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Shenabadumsdumla … she is our neighbour. She has a great ass. We screwed like rabbits for months hiding in her cave, we tried all positions, even …”

“Ogre!” shouted the girl indignantly “You don’t say ‘screw’, you say ‘made love’”

“Isn’t it the same thing?”, asked the Ogre befuddled.

“No! Love is passion and -“

“We had plenty of passion!” laughed the Ogre.

“And you don’t go into details like that”, continued the girl resigned.

“But I think about the details all the time. Imagine that once -“

“Stop there, Ogre! And now you lost your wife. How sad.”

“I have not lost her. She is still in the cave. She’s just upset. She’ll get over it.”

The girl was losing her cool and was forgetting her ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

“You are so beautiful” said the Ogre out of the blue.

“I thank you for your kind remark, but I would like you to praise my intelligence instead”, replied the girl, finally remembering her manners.

“I don’t know if you are intelligent, but sure you are beautiful”, stated the Ogre matter of fact.

“The way you say it … it is like you mean it too much. Our friends also have noticed it but say it more subtly and I like that better. Oh, except when we are drunk …”

“What happens when you get drunk?”

“It is not our fault, it is the wine. It is civilized to behave badly when you are drunk. No-one is perfect!”

“So, what happens?”

“Ok … we talk grossly and misbehave. Once a man pat me on my behind and I wanted to kiss a young fella, but didn’t, or did I?”

“You become Ogres!”, exclaimed the Ogre with satisfaction.

“Don’t say such things. We are civilized people. We know our manners. Our mothers taught us well. Except … maybe … the wine …”, the girl sounded uncertain.

The Ogre was getting bored of all that talking.

“Come by the fire”, he whispered.

The girl made a tentative step forward as she was very cold, but then tightened her vest and stepped backward again.

“Come on!”, said the Ogre, getting upset, “Do you really need alcohol to behave properly?”

“I don’t need anything! Don’t speak to me that way!”, shouted the girl, suddenly alive, “For your knowledge, at the village feast while my husband was home with the kids, I slept with a very nice man …”

“See!” said the Ogre triumphantly.

“It wasn’t like that at all. He was quite nice, gentle, and very polite. I found it quite enjoyable. He asked me what I wanted and it was very civilized. I confessed it to my husband and he said that it was ok because it had been so civilized and the butcher - oh, I shouldn’t have said its name - is a good business partner.”

The Ogre yawned. “Yeah, it doesn’t sound like my thing with Shenabadumsdumla at all. Are you coming by the fire or not?”

The girl stepped forward as she was very cold and the Ogre looked very warm, but then she stopped.

“You are so beautiful”, said the Ogre and the girl smiled.